Writers Block Rant

So I am doing better with dieting and exercising then writing...what????????? I am down 6 pounds since May 1. I am exercising at least 3 days a week, sticking to the diet and going strong. I am sucking out at writing. I can't focus. I have no clue what to write about. I sit down and can't get there. So I am keeping myself honest by updating the blog. I hope that it will jump start something. I am not sure what to do if it doesn't. How do you create when you can't get the creative juices to flow. I don't know. I may have to do a series of shark blogs again, history maybe. Something to get into the flow of it. I need to do something. So I am going to reflect on it. I am going to decide by Saturday at the latest what I am going to write about and stick to it. I need to get back into the frame of mind. Yes, writing is about being creative and inventing worlds and people and getting you to care. It is also about being disciplined, consistent and writing. No matter what. What you put onto paper doesn't necessarily have to be good. You may never show anyone 90% of what you write. That part of it is just about doing it. SO, I will be back soon, with an idea of a series of blogs, and hopefully another good update on the rest.

So It Begins

I am not going to give numbers, but I am going to be completely open and honest. My doctor really isn't giving me a choice anymore, and I have to lose weight. I know I need to. I want to. I want to be the best and healthiest me for my daughter and wife - but this is an area that I truly suck at. I simply am not good at sticking to it. I should be. I have pretty good self control. I can deny myself things I want if I know that they are bad for me, mentally or physically. So why do I suck at sticking to dieting and exercising. I don't know. The choice is over though. I can no longer suck at it so here it goes. Starting now, I have to turn over a new leaf. So here I am blogging about it. Because I hope that it helps. I need to stick to blogging and writing, because that is truly what makes me happy and what I want to do in life. I need to stick to dieting and exercising to see my daughter grow up. I suck at both even though doing both make me feel good, and why? I don't know. SO I am holding myself accountable. This is my first blog in my new leaf life. I am going to blog and write and enter competitions and be true to my dream of becoming a writer. I am going to diet and exercise to see my daughter grow up and be the awesome person I know she can be. It won't be elegant, but I am going to do it this time. I am writing this and declaring it to you. I will try to make it clear when I am blogging about my diet and exercise, or when I am blogging about something else to make it easy for people to follow whatever they want. Either way, its gonna be a bumpy ride - but hopefully successful, and always interesting.

Yes, I am Mom

In today's society it is normal for families to be made up of many different kind of mixes. No longer is this the world of racially ambiguous Dad, Mom, 2.5 kids, dog and white picket fence. This is the world of advancing melting pot families – at least on first look. Being a part of one of those families however is completely different then checking a box for diversity. I love my wife and my daughter more than life itself. There is no doubt in my mind that how we are a normal family is because they have made my life complete. I have never known happiness or the feeling of love that I have had in my life since we welcomed out daughter here. With it though is the undeniable sense of how the outside world views us, and more specifically me. I was there as any father would have been through the 3 trimesters of my wife’s pregnancy. I was there at the beginning of it all, through the IVF appointments, the psych-social we had to have to use donor sperm in NYS, the 2 insemination attempts to get a successful one. I waited with bated breath the first time when we found out she wasn’t pregnant. I was more upset then she was I think. At attempt number 2, when we knew there was a good chance and we made it to the blood test, I am not sure who checked the portal more that day. When it came back positive, I felt my whole life change as much as her. I was there for every appointment, every ultrasound, and when she was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, I was there for every endocrine appointment, every blood stick, and every insulin shot. I went on the diet with her and did all I could to support her and make it as easy for her as possible. I was there when she went in to get induced, and I held her hand and slept less than her for the 42 hours it took for our girl to come. I got to do skin to skin in the delivery room, held our baby when she was too dizzy to after labor, and pushed the bassinet over to post-partum right beside her wheelchair. My name is on the birth certificate as her parent. I stayed awake that first night so that my wife could rest but that when the nurse brought our girl back from her initial check-up, I could read off the numbers on my bracelet and we could have her in our room. Over the nine months of her pregnancy and the nine months that we have had our baby girl I have been her mother in every sense as much as my wife has. Yet I still get the questions. So – what is she going to call you? Why didn’t you carry? Are you going to carry the next one? What are you going to tell her about her dad? Why don’t you want one of your very own? Um, okay, personal much? She is going to call me mom because you know, I am her mom. I didn’t carry because I never wanted to…and in nope, not carrying the next one if we have another because still don’t want to. My wife and I have not fully decided on what we will tell her about the sperm donor…but let’s be careful applying the word dad to a dude who never wanted it and got paid for his donation. I do want one of my very own, and I already have her. Have had her for 9 months. Thanks though, oh and in some cases nice to meet you. I was completely unaware of how fast boundaries come down when 2 lesbians have a baby. What I have noticed is a complete lack of resources for people in my situation. There are some books that you can pay an obscene amount for, but this is still pretty unchartered territory. So I am hoping to help both myself and others by putting this out there. You aren’t alone, and you aren’t crazy. You are not the other mother. You are mom, your wife is mom, and you are a family. I am a first time mom trying to learn how to do that, so though I embrace it, also trying to educate people around me on LGBTQ familial rights will make for an interesting ride…so buckle up and let’s do it together.

And so, yeah - November

November. In this house it is known as the start of the busiest time of the year. Not necessarily the most wonderful time of the year as some songs that will soon begin to play ad nauseam would have you believe. No. It is the start of birthday season for us, as well as the build up to the holiday season, and the time of year where we are busy at work, busy personally, just busy at every turn. This is not good, it is not bad, it is simply true and very tiring some days.

It starts November 1st with my Mother-in-law's birthday, next November 2nd with our wedding anniversary, then the 3rd is my youngest nephew's birthday. November 5th is my birthday, November 11th is Amy's birthday, then we get a break until the 27th which is our eldest nephew's birthday, and sometimes, like this year, also Thanksgiving, sometimes Black Friday. The first 2 weeks that start the pace off are the craziest ones of the year for us, hands down. We go from birthday to anniversary to birthdays without a time to catch our breath. I have to say I am tired just thinking about it. In fact, today is November 2nd. It is our 2 year anniversary. Here I am blogging. Watching the Cowboys - Cardinals game, while Amy sits in the bed next to me reading the paper. Why? How is this romantic for our anniversary - well, I don't know about romantic. It however is lovely. I was in urgent care on Halloween getting breathing treatments for the asthma attack I had been having for 3 days. Amy was running around finishing up the errands for her mother's 60th birthday party that was yesterday, November 1st. We got through that, and we got through the party and now we know we have a month coming up that is going to push us to the very limits of our energy and our patience and so we choose to do this on our anniversary. It is okay. It is great. It is the true mark of marriage. 

We are no longer trying to impress or woo each other. I am not saying the romance is gone, I am simply saying we have been together for almost 10 years, lived together for almost 7, been married for 2. We do not need to gaze in each others eyes as we celebrate our 2nd year of marriage. We are supporting each other in our need for rest before we start the marathon of the next 2 months, as after the busy time of November, we have to jump on the holiday train that we are already sick of from the insistent commercials, that I have already seen today. On November 2nd. Before Thanksgiving. We have a saying in our family - you have to be Thankful before you can be Merry. I am considering sending this to all stores, PR Firms, Merchandisers, TV Execs, and everyone else who acts like the day after Halloween begins the start of Christmas, not just the start of the holiday season. Happy Thanksgiving...hope you got your Thanksgiving napkins in September or you are screwed. They are gone, off of the shelves to make way for Christmas. That is how we do it here. 

I am not a complete Scrooge. Well, maybe I am. Come on. There is an order of things. If you wait until at least  Black Friday to roll out your Christmas stuff is is really that bad. Will people all of the sudden forget that Christmas is coming. I mean every year. Same day. December 25th. It comes. We don't even have a moving holiday like Hanukkah. It was December 25th last year, the year before,  all the back to the first evidence of it being on the 25th of December in like 336 A.D. It became a federal holiday in 1870...on December 25th. I won't even get into the politics of it, I will save that for a different blog with many a disclaimer in the first paragraph that yes I am spiritual, no I not religious, and I am going to give my opinion of it controversially and if you don't want to get pissed, don't read. I will save that. But there is the beginning of what will be fair warning. All I am saying here is, I think if we held off the commercial, and carols. and crap, Christmas is safe to be on December 25th. I think we are good.

And so, yeah, November. Enjoy it people. It is a busy month for us, and for most I am sure, but here is a reminder that it is its own month. I feel lately it hasn't been November, it has been pre-December. December has 31 days to itself, how about we let November have its 30 days. Enjoy the peak of fall, enjoy Thanksgiving, in whatever way you celebrate it. If you live for Black Friday, get on with your bad self. I just hope that everyone can let November be November. 

My most recent moronic choice

So, you want to know what makes me feel really stupid lately? Deciding to do a healthy lifestyle change, including a work weight loss challenge during the best time of year to eat junk food. You name a Fall/Holiday treat, and I adore it. This is the best time of year (see my last blog) in so many ways to me, I can NOT believe I was stupid enough to agree to this. I mean, right now I am just having a weak moment, as I was grocery shopping today and all the Halloween candy was out. That was when I decided that it is totally official, and I am a moron. I mean, bite-sized snickers, 3-Musketeers, Milky Ways, Milky Way Midnight's, and generally any kind of candy you want to be bite-sized. Yeah, lets diet. That sounds like something intelligent people do doing their absolute favorite season of eating.
OH and lets not forget that though I do not sell, my job is working with Financial Services Professionals, and we run on a normal fiscal schedule. So it is also 4th quarter and the most stressful time of year for me professionally. So what can be smarter then me making a healthy lifestyle choice during this time. An OFFICE COMPETITION people. Yes, lets have multiple staff people hangry during a time when the most patient of us run to the end of out tethers, oh yeah that is just freaking rocket science thinking here people.
Best part - the competition is work...but with spouses. So Amy and I are dieting for the competition, and due to other aspects of our life - see http://amyandheatherhaveababy.blogspot.com/ - we are making many healthy lifestyle choices, and tensions, stress and all around crankiness is running high in the Marlette household. Always a great way to enter the busiest season of the year for us. Excellent.
You know what I am beginning to think I really need to take some classes in? SCHEDULING or you know, PLANNING AHEAD. Because to be honest with you, this is not new. This has always been, and will always be the busiest time of year for Amy and myself personally. Since I have no plans on going anywhere professionally anytime soon, as I love my job, my boss, my management team, my peers, my agents, my office, etc. etc., then this will also continue to be the busiest time of year for me professionally as well. So why did I think this was a good idea, I honestly can not tell you. I mean, I wanted to make the healthy lifestyle change, I thought the camaraderie of the work challenge would be good, and all of this continues to be true. Then, those snickers were staring me in the face today, and I gotta say, rethinking my decision.
Tomorrow is Halloween. I have managed to keep the candy out of my house, but I may break. The one saving grace I gotta say is Mother nature seems to be on my side here, as I am pretty deathly sick and have had no appetite since Monday. Sadly though, I am feeling better, and this means that I may have to break down. I do not know who invented these fun sized candies, but I do know that they are a little evil. I am hoping to beat the craving, but I am already of the mind set that I can work the calories off...so, we will see.
I hope you all have a great Halloween tomorrow. I do not care that I am 6 days away from being 32. I do not care that I am married, have a career, and am working on starting a family with my wife. Halloween will forever be my favorite holiday, and not just for the above stupidly addicting fun sized reasons, but because it is a day that, through the years, has become a day when it is okay for all of us to be kids. It is something that this overly stressed, way too serious society needs. It is okay to dress up, and have fun, and yes eat a bag of bite sized snickers. One day, I think we can handle it. I think everyone should partake in it, and throw seriousness and ambition to the wind for one day. Be a vampire (I am totally looking at you here Heather O'Bryan), be your favorite superhero. Dress up as a scarecrow, a zombie, or a Jedi (but remember, this is not a costume, it is simply a life style choice). Have fun with it, and if you do, you may just get a full sized candy as a reward, because for one day a year, we all can be kids with no worries. So I think that I may take the day off of my moronic choice, and get back to it on Saturday.

The Best Season

I am so happy Fall is here. This is my favorite season of the year. Which in a way, proves I am a glutton for punishment since in many ways, Fall is the worst season for my body. My bad ankle swells up with the weather, and my arthritis acts up with it. The leaves kill my allergies, and it is the only season where I really have an issue with asthma. None of that matters though, not to me. It is fine with me, great with me. Because it is fall. It is the time of year that makes living in Up State NY worth everything that may at other times annoy me. It is the time of year when Halloween reigns supreme, and adrenaline junkies like me can get quick fixes anywhere at anytime.
I am not sure why, but this time of year is just when it all clicks. There is nothing better than driving down the same roads you always do, but it looking different then usual because of changing leaves, falling leaves, decorations and the start of people winterizing. There is nothing like that first glimpse of the leaves changing to let you know that the Fall is coming, and the breathtaking views of rows of trees up the mountain as you drive on I-88 can not be replaced with anything. I love a nice view of the ocean, I think that lighthouses are lovely to look at, and a gorgeous sunset is nothing to poo-poo. Anyone who has ever seen a mountain full of trees at peak season however knows what a masterpiece nature can paint though, and that is something that is not replaced. My favorite part is the smell. Since smell is the strongest sense in regards to memory, I think that this is why Fall remains my favorite holiday to this day.
To me, nothing smells as good as Fall. I know, this may be a crazy statement even for me, but hear me out. Fall has its own scent. When the leaves are changing, the days are briskly cold, you can step outside and inhale the season. Not the secondary smells which are also wonderful - like pumpkin, smoke from bonfires, general baking to help warm up the house. No, you can smell the leaves, and the moisture, you can smell the change in the grass and the hay that is around. All of it together, that is Fall.
Once you take that deep breath and smell it, you know what else is coming. I know that there is a spattering of things that will make the months leading up to winter AWESOME. It is of course the heart of Football season, and for those who like it, Pumpkin Flavoring is back. There are leaves falling and you break out the more muted colors of blues, oranges, reds for the Fall. Of course though, there is Halloween. There are haunted mazes, hayrides and houses. There is an uptick in people who want to try their hand at being brave, and others who want to be scared, or better yet do the scaring. There are horrible written, directed and acted movies for every horror you can imagine on SyFy, and the cheesey kid friendly ones on ABC's 13 nights of Halloween.
I can't imaging anything else in Fall. I love the fact that Up State NY embraces Fall, with apple picking, all the haunted attractions, and all the urban legends. I am so happy that we have seasons, and that Fall is our most distinctive one. I think I want to do some Fall season blogs, but first, I just want to share the joy that it is here. So all, breath in deep and enjoy.

TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME...

I have been a baseball fan for as long as I can remember. I can’t remember a time in my life where I wasn’t. As a kid, I can still remember the tiny gloves I had. I remember learning how to grip a ball more than I remember learning how to play the piano, which I actually took lessons for. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t know how to point with the glove and throw to that spot, and following through with your hand once the ball was out of it. I don’t remember learning that you always step into a pitch you are swinging at, but I don’t remember ever not knowing it. I know there are many people who don’t like baseball. They say it is boring, it drags out too long and of course the athletes can’t be as talented as their quarterbacks, their point guards, or any of the sports heroes they tout. I love sports as a whole, don’t get me wrong. I think that hockey is great, I love a good basketball game (not really professional as of late, but more college) and I may live in NY, but from August to January my heart is in San Fran with my 9ers. None of these sports will ever be able to hold a candle to baseball in my heart however, because despite the neighsayers, I see something that I feel they can’t or maybe that they won’t or don’t want to. I see that more than any sport (at least to me) baseball is poetry in motion.

To me, there is nothing more calming then watching a baseball game, few things that are as familiar. As long as I have been in love with baseball, I have been a true blue Yankees fan. I am not talking bandwagon; love the late ‘90s especially during the postseason play fan. In my youth and teen years, more often than not I was going to be found at home, not because I didn’t have things to go do or friends to hang out with, but because the baseball season is long, and if the game was on, I was watching it. I have to admit, I am not as adamant now. The season, along with preseason televised games, drags on too long, and my nights and weekends often book up as fast as the month changes. I keep appraised of the situation, and though the Yankees are often on the bottom of the scoreboard in today’s league, I always have that faithful hope that they will pull it out. I honestly wait for the next crop of minor leaguers to take the team by storm, forgetting that we don’t farm talent that much anymore; we simply try to buy it. That is a distressing turn for someone like me, who watched as the Core Four came up together through the system, and became some of the best players in the Majors.

The game as a whole seems to have changed though. When I was young and watching them, I was able to translate things they did in a much smaller since to my little league and softball games. The major leaguers used to be masters at playing small ball. Through watching not only the Yankees of the late 1990s, but the MLB as a whole, I learned how to play unselfish ball. You cannot say the same about the game today. Today, every player tries to be a hero with every play, with every swing. There are few master bunters among today’s pros because that is not what is going to make them the best. They want homers, and will settle for line drives that are doubles. I will also say you don’t see the running game today like you used to. Hustling for a close double or trying to beat out a dropped third strike was norms in past decades. Now I scream at the TV while players, Yankee and others, stand there to be tagged. NO!! Run your ass off to first, put the pressure on, make them hurry and mess up. Little ball here people, little ball.

We all used to pretend we were the clutch player who stepped to the plate and hit a grand slam to win the crucial game. That wasn’t it though. I can remember throwing a ball onto the slopping roof of the garage to practice tracing the ball angle so I could catch the pop flies, so I could read the ball no matter where it went like Bernie. I remember practicing running backwards in the outfield and diving like Paul. I remember the crack of Derek’s shoulder as we all got a reminder not to slide headfirst and for days after practicing that proper foot slide in. I remember studying the way Tino knew how that ball came off his bat and either running it out to first or making the turn for a proper chance at second. I am sorry, but I don’t see that in today’s game. It has made me step back. I don’t care if the Yankees never win another Championship again, I honestly don’t. We have enough to last most teams a lifetime, we have been lucky to have those Dynasty worthy teams. I do care that they have fallen prey to that horrible laziness. That sense of entitlement where they don’t seem to think they have to WORK for a championship. For me, a person who has always been able to escape into baseball and not have to worry about anything while the game was on, this is a horrible feeling. Of course you have to work for it. I don’t care how much you work out or how fast you run and how hard you throw. There will never be a team that can win 5 Championships in 6 years again (1996, 1998, 1999, 2000) if they don’t work for it every second of every day. They have to become like one, to move as one great single player.

I was thinking about this as I sat in Yankee Stadium last Saturday. I was standing up, cheering the last live at bat I would ever see Jeter at and I realized why even I am so emotional about his retirement, why people who are Red Sox fans, Dodger fans, and any true baseball fan are all so emotional. When the Captain walks off the field that last time, whether it is Thursday at Yankee Stadium, or Sunday, September 28^th at Fenway, he will take the official ending of an era with him. He will take the last remnants of the team that was named the Team of the Century for the 20^th Century with him. He will close the door and there will never be a way to reopen that time, to reestablish that baseball fervor. I imagine that there will be another long rambling blog more dedicated to a man who came only second to Bernie Williams as my favorite ball player growing up as the day gets closer. I haven’t sorted out my feelings on that one yet, let alone been able to put them on “paper.” What I do know is that I still love the game. I love the smells of it, the sounds of it. I will always have Bob Sheppard’s voice in my head announcing my team, calling the games I will never forget, yelling until he was horse that “Thhhhhhhhhhha YANKEEEEEEEEEES WIN.” I will always stop and smile when Sinatra sings that if he can make it there he can make it anywhere. Every time a team wins the World Series after a long drought, I will look for someone to jump in joy on the back of a police horse.

Lastly, I will always take the lessons I learned in baseball through life with me. I will always follow through. I will always keep my eye on the ball, literally and proverbially. I will focus early so I can learn to read my opponent moves. I will always back up my teammates and be as unselfish as I can, knowing that all I do must be first for the good of whatever “team” I am doing it for, secondly worrying about myself. As I try to get back into the game as a fan, I have to remember the past as the best era for myself, and seek out new nuances and talents that the previous teams didn’t have, and look for old habits to shine through. I did not just reminisce and see what today’s game lacks (in my opinion) when I was at the Stadium. I remembered something vital – I remembered that I love the game. That frustrated or not with aspects of it, the game to me is the apex game out there, and that I want to introduce my young nieces and nephews to the joy of it. I want to see their faces when they get their first hit, and when they catch that first pop up. I want them to look forward to the All-Star game, and yes even to live and die by their team’s wins and losses. To be a fan like that, to be a part of the culture – I wish that for them, and I can’t wait to bring it to them. Unless of course they choose to like the Red Sox. Then I will shun and mock them mercilessly, of course.