And so, yeah - November

November. In this house it is known as the start of the busiest time of the year. Not necessarily the most wonderful time of the year as some songs that will soon begin to play ad nauseam would have you believe. No. It is the start of birthday season for us, as well as the build up to the holiday season, and the time of year where we are busy at work, busy personally, just busy at every turn. This is not good, it is not bad, it is simply true and very tiring some days.

It starts November 1st with my Mother-in-law's birthday, next November 2nd with our wedding anniversary, then the 3rd is my youngest nephew's birthday. November 5th is my birthday, November 11th is Amy's birthday, then we get a break until the 27th which is our eldest nephew's birthday, and sometimes, like this year, also Thanksgiving, sometimes Black Friday. The first 2 weeks that start the pace off are the craziest ones of the year for us, hands down. We go from birthday to anniversary to birthdays without a time to catch our breath. I have to say I am tired just thinking about it. In fact, today is November 2nd. It is our 2 year anniversary. Here I am blogging. Watching the Cowboys - Cardinals game, while Amy sits in the bed next to me reading the paper. Why? How is this romantic for our anniversary - well, I don't know about romantic. It however is lovely. I was in urgent care on Halloween getting breathing treatments for the asthma attack I had been having for 3 days. Amy was running around finishing up the errands for her mother's 60th birthday party that was yesterday, November 1st. We got through that, and we got through the party and now we know we have a month coming up that is going to push us to the very limits of our energy and our patience and so we choose to do this on our anniversary. It is okay. It is great. It is the true mark of marriage. 

We are no longer trying to impress or woo each other. I am not saying the romance is gone, I am simply saying we have been together for almost 10 years, lived together for almost 7, been married for 2. We do not need to gaze in each others eyes as we celebrate our 2nd year of marriage. We are supporting each other in our need for rest before we start the marathon of the next 2 months, as after the busy time of November, we have to jump on the holiday train that we are already sick of from the insistent commercials, that I have already seen today. On November 2nd. Before Thanksgiving. We have a saying in our family - you have to be Thankful before you can be Merry. I am considering sending this to all stores, PR Firms, Merchandisers, TV Execs, and everyone else who acts like the day after Halloween begins the start of Christmas, not just the start of the holiday season. Happy Thanksgiving...hope you got your Thanksgiving napkins in September or you are screwed. They are gone, off of the shelves to make way for Christmas. That is how we do it here. 

I am not a complete Scrooge. Well, maybe I am. Come on. There is an order of things. If you wait until at least  Black Friday to roll out your Christmas stuff is is really that bad. Will people all of the sudden forget that Christmas is coming. I mean every year. Same day. December 25th. It comes. We don't even have a moving holiday like Hanukkah. It was December 25th last year, the year before,  all the back to the first evidence of it being on the 25th of December in like 336 A.D. It became a federal holiday in 1870...on December 25th. I won't even get into the politics of it, I will save that for a different blog with many a disclaimer in the first paragraph that yes I am spiritual, no I not religious, and I am going to give my opinion of it controversially and if you don't want to get pissed, don't read. I will save that. But there is the beginning of what will be fair warning. All I am saying here is, I think if we held off the commercial, and carols. and crap, Christmas is safe to be on December 25th. I think we are good.

And so, yeah, November. Enjoy it people. It is a busy month for us, and for most I am sure, but here is a reminder that it is its own month. I feel lately it hasn't been November, it has been pre-December. December has 31 days to itself, how about we let November have its 30 days. Enjoy the peak of fall, enjoy Thanksgiving, in whatever way you celebrate it. If you live for Black Friday, get on with your bad self. I just hope that everyone can let November be November. 

My most recent moronic choice

So, you want to know what makes me feel really stupid lately? Deciding to do a healthy lifestyle change, including a work weight loss challenge during the best time of year to eat junk food. You name a Fall/Holiday treat, and I adore it. This is the best time of year (see my last blog) in so many ways to me, I can NOT believe I was stupid enough to agree to this. I mean, right now I am just having a weak moment, as I was grocery shopping today and all the Halloween candy was out. That was when I decided that it is totally official, and I am a moron. I mean, bite-sized snickers, 3-Musketeers, Milky Ways, Milky Way Midnight's, and generally any kind of candy you want to be bite-sized. Yeah, lets diet. That sounds like something intelligent people do doing their absolute favorite season of eating.
OH and lets not forget that though I do not sell, my job is working with Financial Services Professionals, and we run on a normal fiscal schedule. So it is also 4th quarter and the most stressful time of year for me professionally. So what can be smarter then me making a healthy lifestyle choice during this time. An OFFICE COMPETITION people. Yes, lets have multiple staff people hangry during a time when the most patient of us run to the end of out tethers, oh yeah that is just freaking rocket science thinking here people.
Best part - the competition is work...but with spouses. So Amy and I are dieting for the competition, and due to other aspects of our life - see http://amyandheatherhaveababy.blogspot.com/ - we are making many healthy lifestyle choices, and tensions, stress and all around crankiness is running high in the Marlette household. Always a great way to enter the busiest season of the year for us. Excellent.
You know what I am beginning to think I really need to take some classes in? SCHEDULING or you know, PLANNING AHEAD. Because to be honest with you, this is not new. This has always been, and will always be the busiest time of year for Amy and myself personally. Since I have no plans on going anywhere professionally anytime soon, as I love my job, my boss, my management team, my peers, my agents, my office, etc. etc., then this will also continue to be the busiest time of year for me professionally as well. So why did I think this was a good idea, I honestly can not tell you. I mean, I wanted to make the healthy lifestyle change, I thought the camaraderie of the work challenge would be good, and all of this continues to be true. Then, those snickers were staring me in the face today, and I gotta say, rethinking my decision.
Tomorrow is Halloween. I have managed to keep the candy out of my house, but I may break. The one saving grace I gotta say is Mother nature seems to be on my side here, as I am pretty deathly sick and have had no appetite since Monday. Sadly though, I am feeling better, and this means that I may have to break down. I do not know who invented these fun sized candies, but I do know that they are a little evil. I am hoping to beat the craving, but I am already of the mind set that I can work the calories off...so, we will see.
I hope you all have a great Halloween tomorrow. I do not care that I am 6 days away from being 32. I do not care that I am married, have a career, and am working on starting a family with my wife. Halloween will forever be my favorite holiday, and not just for the above stupidly addicting fun sized reasons, but because it is a day that, through the years, has become a day when it is okay for all of us to be kids. It is something that this overly stressed, way too serious society needs. It is okay to dress up, and have fun, and yes eat a bag of bite sized snickers. One day, I think we can handle it. I think everyone should partake in it, and throw seriousness and ambition to the wind for one day. Be a vampire (I am totally looking at you here Heather O'Bryan), be your favorite superhero. Dress up as a scarecrow, a zombie, or a Jedi (but remember, this is not a costume, it is simply a life style choice). Have fun with it, and if you do, you may just get a full sized candy as a reward, because for one day a year, we all can be kids with no worries. So I think that I may take the day off of my moronic choice, and get back to it on Saturday.

The Best Season

I am so happy Fall is here. This is my favorite season of the year. Which in a way, proves I am a glutton for punishment since in many ways, Fall is the worst season for my body. My bad ankle swells up with the weather, and my arthritis acts up with it. The leaves kill my allergies, and it is the only season where I really have an issue with asthma. None of that matters though, not to me. It is fine with me, great with me. Because it is fall. It is the time of year that makes living in Up State NY worth everything that may at other times annoy me. It is the time of year when Halloween reigns supreme, and adrenaline junkies like me can get quick fixes anywhere at anytime.
I am not sure why, but this time of year is just when it all clicks. There is nothing better than driving down the same roads you always do, but it looking different then usual because of changing leaves, falling leaves, decorations and the start of people winterizing. There is nothing like that first glimpse of the leaves changing to let you know that the Fall is coming, and the breathtaking views of rows of trees up the mountain as you drive on I-88 can not be replaced with anything. I love a nice view of the ocean, I think that lighthouses are lovely to look at, and a gorgeous sunset is nothing to poo-poo. Anyone who has ever seen a mountain full of trees at peak season however knows what a masterpiece nature can paint though, and that is something that is not replaced. My favorite part is the smell. Since smell is the strongest sense in regards to memory, I think that this is why Fall remains my favorite holiday to this day.
To me, nothing smells as good as Fall. I know, this may be a crazy statement even for me, but hear me out. Fall has its own scent. When the leaves are changing, the days are briskly cold, you can step outside and inhale the season. Not the secondary smells which are also wonderful - like pumpkin, smoke from bonfires, general baking to help warm up the house. No, you can smell the leaves, and the moisture, you can smell the change in the grass and the hay that is around. All of it together, that is Fall.
Once you take that deep breath and smell it, you know what else is coming. I know that there is a spattering of things that will make the months leading up to winter AWESOME. It is of course the heart of Football season, and for those who like it, Pumpkin Flavoring is back. There are leaves falling and you break out the more muted colors of blues, oranges, reds for the Fall. Of course though, there is Halloween. There are haunted mazes, hayrides and houses. There is an uptick in people who want to try their hand at being brave, and others who want to be scared, or better yet do the scaring. There are horrible written, directed and acted movies for every horror you can imagine on SyFy, and the cheesey kid friendly ones on ABC's 13 nights of Halloween.
I can't imaging anything else in Fall. I love the fact that Up State NY embraces Fall, with apple picking, all the haunted attractions, and all the urban legends. I am so happy that we have seasons, and that Fall is our most distinctive one. I think I want to do some Fall season blogs, but first, I just want to share the joy that it is here. So all, breath in deep and enjoy.

TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME...

I have been a baseball fan for as long as I can remember. I can’t remember a time in my life where I wasn’t. As a kid, I can still remember the tiny gloves I had. I remember learning how to grip a ball more than I remember learning how to play the piano, which I actually took lessons for. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t know how to point with the glove and throw to that spot, and following through with your hand once the ball was out of it. I don’t remember learning that you always step into a pitch you are swinging at, but I don’t remember ever not knowing it. I know there are many people who don’t like baseball. They say it is boring, it drags out too long and of course the athletes can’t be as talented as their quarterbacks, their point guards, or any of the sports heroes they tout. I love sports as a whole, don’t get me wrong. I think that hockey is great, I love a good basketball game (not really professional as of late, but more college) and I may live in NY, but from August to January my heart is in San Fran with my 9ers. None of these sports will ever be able to hold a candle to baseball in my heart however, because despite the neighsayers, I see something that I feel they can’t or maybe that they won’t or don’t want to. I see that more than any sport (at least to me) baseball is poetry in motion.

To me, there is nothing more calming then watching a baseball game, few things that are as familiar. As long as I have been in love with baseball, I have been a true blue Yankees fan. I am not talking bandwagon; love the late ‘90s especially during the postseason play fan. In my youth and teen years, more often than not I was going to be found at home, not because I didn’t have things to go do or friends to hang out with, but because the baseball season is long, and if the game was on, I was watching it. I have to admit, I am not as adamant now. The season, along with preseason televised games, drags on too long, and my nights and weekends often book up as fast as the month changes. I keep appraised of the situation, and though the Yankees are often on the bottom of the scoreboard in today’s league, I always have that faithful hope that they will pull it out. I honestly wait for the next crop of minor leaguers to take the team by storm, forgetting that we don’t farm talent that much anymore; we simply try to buy it. That is a distressing turn for someone like me, who watched as the Core Four came up together through the system, and became some of the best players in the Majors.

The game as a whole seems to have changed though. When I was young and watching them, I was able to translate things they did in a much smaller since to my little league and softball games. The major leaguers used to be masters at playing small ball. Through watching not only the Yankees of the late 1990s, but the MLB as a whole, I learned how to play unselfish ball. You cannot say the same about the game today. Today, every player tries to be a hero with every play, with every swing. There are few master bunters among today’s pros because that is not what is going to make them the best. They want homers, and will settle for line drives that are doubles. I will also say you don’t see the running game today like you used to. Hustling for a close double or trying to beat out a dropped third strike was norms in past decades. Now I scream at the TV while players, Yankee and others, stand there to be tagged. NO!! Run your ass off to first, put the pressure on, make them hurry and mess up. Little ball here people, little ball.

We all used to pretend we were the clutch player who stepped to the plate and hit a grand slam to win the crucial game. That wasn’t it though. I can remember throwing a ball onto the slopping roof of the garage to practice tracing the ball angle so I could catch the pop flies, so I could read the ball no matter where it went like Bernie. I remember practicing running backwards in the outfield and diving like Paul. I remember the crack of Derek’s shoulder as we all got a reminder not to slide headfirst and for days after practicing that proper foot slide in. I remember studying the way Tino knew how that ball came off his bat and either running it out to first or making the turn for a proper chance at second. I am sorry, but I don’t see that in today’s game. It has made me step back. I don’t care if the Yankees never win another Championship again, I honestly don’t. We have enough to last most teams a lifetime, we have been lucky to have those Dynasty worthy teams. I do care that they have fallen prey to that horrible laziness. That sense of entitlement where they don’t seem to think they have to WORK for a championship. For me, a person who has always been able to escape into baseball and not have to worry about anything while the game was on, this is a horrible feeling. Of course you have to work for it. I don’t care how much you work out or how fast you run and how hard you throw. There will never be a team that can win 5 Championships in 6 years again (1996, 1998, 1999, 2000) if they don’t work for it every second of every day. They have to become like one, to move as one great single player.

I was thinking about this as I sat in Yankee Stadium last Saturday. I was standing up, cheering the last live at bat I would ever see Jeter at and I realized why even I am so emotional about his retirement, why people who are Red Sox fans, Dodger fans, and any true baseball fan are all so emotional. When the Captain walks off the field that last time, whether it is Thursday at Yankee Stadium, or Sunday, September 28^th at Fenway, he will take the official ending of an era with him. He will take the last remnants of the team that was named the Team of the Century for the 20^th Century with him. He will close the door and there will never be a way to reopen that time, to reestablish that baseball fervor. I imagine that there will be another long rambling blog more dedicated to a man who came only second to Bernie Williams as my favorite ball player growing up as the day gets closer. I haven’t sorted out my feelings on that one yet, let alone been able to put them on “paper.” What I do know is that I still love the game. I love the smells of it, the sounds of it. I will always have Bob Sheppard’s voice in my head announcing my team, calling the games I will never forget, yelling until he was horse that “Thhhhhhhhhhha YANKEEEEEEEEEES WIN.” I will always stop and smile when Sinatra sings that if he can make it there he can make it anywhere. Every time a team wins the World Series after a long drought, I will look for someone to jump in joy on the back of a police horse.

Lastly, I will always take the lessons I learned in baseball through life with me. I will always follow through. I will always keep my eye on the ball, literally and proverbially. I will focus early so I can learn to read my opponent moves. I will always back up my teammates and be as unselfish as I can, knowing that all I do must be first for the good of whatever “team” I am doing it for, secondly worrying about myself. As I try to get back into the game as a fan, I have to remember the past as the best era for myself, and seek out new nuances and talents that the previous teams didn’t have, and look for old habits to shine through. I did not just reminisce and see what today’s game lacks (in my opinion) when I was at the Stadium. I remembered something vital – I remembered that I love the game. That frustrated or not with aspects of it, the game to me is the apex game out there, and that I want to introduce my young nieces and nephews to the joy of it. I want to see their faces when they get their first hit, and when they catch that first pop up. I want them to look forward to the All-Star game, and yes even to live and die by their team’s wins and losses. To be a fan like that, to be a part of the culture – I wish that for them, and I can’t wait to bring it to them. Unless of course they choose to like the Red Sox. Then I will shun and mock them mercilessly, of course.

My True Coming Out Story

I recently fully came out of the closet. Not about being a lesbian. I have been out about that for varying times to different people, but the final coming out of that particular closet was a decade ago. No, no people (AKA you Sardynski). To actual come out of the closet about my sexual orientation was actually not overly scary as a whole. I knew from my past history that my family would love me no matter what. Frankly, there was no one who was truly that shocked. My true coming out story has happened within the past 12 months. It was terrifying and honestly drew more derisive looks and questions then embracing my gay self...I, Heather Marlette, am a geek. Yes, I hid the full fledged geekiness of me until I was 31. How horrible is that? Sadly, the lesbian thing was totally more accepted.
Lets get one thing straight right now. I have recently decided to be me out in the open and let my geek-flag fly high, unobstructed and proud. Keep it straight though, it is a geek flag, not nerd-pride my friends. I know that some people do not know there is a difference, do not think there is a difference, and most of all do not care. If you are one or the other though, you do. The word nerd has only truly been around since it was used in the 1950's in the Dr. Seuss book If I Ran the Zoo. It was around this time that the word passed into pop culture and was applied to those people who were seen as rule followers or a "drip/square." It has become what it is today to be applied to anyone who is not just socially awkward but completely socially inept and who is off the charts smart - more known as intellectual, studious or an expert. This is not me.
Now the word geek, this has been around in terminology as well as pop culture since the early 1900's. Geek is derived from the German geck which describes a fool/freak - this was applied in that time usually to "freaks" in side shows. Currently, geek is defined in the Oxford English Dictionary as "knowledgeable and obsessive enthusiasts" who are often "unfashionable or socially inept." In today's culture, geeks are often seen as intelligent people who escape reality by being super fans of MMORPGs, Sci-Fi and fantasy. Yup. I enjoy Star Trek, but I love Star Wars...as stated in my profile, I believe it is not a movie, but a way of life. I follow the path of the Jedi, institute the Philosophy in my everyday life, and watch the movies once a month...even Episode I. I read LOTR on an annual basis, I have an opinion on the best Doctor (and if you get that, you simply get that) and I have the added bonus of being a girl so I not only think that FireFly was of the best and most under rated shows ever, I watched it because I loved Joss Whedon who brought power to my world by creating an entire generation of empowered GEEK GIRL culture which I have lived since 1996. I watched that premiere live, and never looked back - and yes I own Buffy seasons 1 -  7 on DVD, Angel seasons 1 - 5 on DVD and have Buffy seasons 8 and 9 in comics...and yes, I actually say and mean the phrase, ooh I am totally going to the comic book store tonight.
I have a favorite Avenger, X-Man, and Guardian of the Galaxy. I know the origins of Batman, Superman, Captain America and the Fantastic Four. I know the difference between Uncanny, Amazing, Ultimate, Avenging and innumerable other "versions" of superheroes. I do like Banner when he is angry. I knew who Hawkeye and the Black Widow were before Joss Whedon's film, and S.H.I.E.L.D. was not new to me, but felt like finally seeing the puppets behind the stars getting some praise. I have a favorite Batman, and I have a favorite version of the bat mobile.
Yes, I am a geek. I love being out about it. I love that I no longer hide it. I hate that I feel more accepted about living in today's society as a woman married to another woman then as a woman who does not feel it is wrong to be out about my Yoda worship. You may read this and say that I am crazy - in today's world it is cool to be a geek. I agree. If you are a male geek. Even at that, I think people like to say it and are not openly mean to geeks or nerds in today's world because they know that in the tech-filled world of today, you may need to stay on our good side. Being a geek is like everything else though - even with the limited or fake acceptance it will come to the males first, but we females will get there eventually.
So that is my true coming out story, for those few who may not know. I am a geek, I own it and I love it...haters be damned.

Well, how about that?

So, I haven’t written in awhile. Really, I have no excuse other than, you know, life. However, recently I have been doing some thinking about that. I love to write, I love to blog and I love to unapologetically be the person who is not consumed by my career. I love to be the big nerd in the room, who honestly believes it is not what you do for a living but what you do for humanity that is what defines you. Now I have to apologize to my readers (Kristen Sardynski – I say readers, we all know it is just you). I have to apologize to myself as well, because I haven’t been living my life by my own rules lately. I haven’t. I have been the person consumed by my job. Why? I don’t know. I want to say it is because I have my dream job, saving the world one person at a time, making differences in people’s lives and being the best in a world comprised of those just trying to be less bad then the really evil people. This simply isn’t true. I push papers for a living. Worse even to my young idealist self, I push papers for a big box America Fortune 100 company.

Do NOT get me wrong. My company is amazing. They honestly are. They take care of their employees, from the beginning of your career to the time you die, when they take care of your beneficiaries, no matter your age. I am lucky to have the employer I have, as they honestly believe in Corporate Responsibility. Also, it is one of the friendliest LGBTQA companies around. For all this, I am grateful. Every day. I am, however, able to say as great as it is, it is not me. It is not me at all.

This is why I do apologize. I apologize to anyone who does read my blogs. I apologize to anyone who I have ignored or been distant to and I intensely apologize to myself. I lost my way. I got caught up because I do love my employer, and I do not hate my job. Which is interesting don’t you think? It’s not that I love my job and it is not that I am even passionate about it. It is not that I wake up in the morning with a burning desire to go into work to do what I do. I like my job. That is it. Such a small thing for someone who used to believe someday she would change the world. That realization brought my thought process around to the issue that I think is why I threw myself into work to begin with. There is a moment in everyone’s life when they doubt their beliefs in some form and I do believe that is what happened to me – a kind of existential crisis if you will.

Now, for anyone who knows me there might be rolling their eyes at the Psych 101, or some may still cling to the belief that to have an existential crisis it has to be some kind of religious based faith crisis. Still others may go, you were fine through engagement, marriage, you were fine through all that your family has been through in recent years, and those are the main existential crisis stimulators…what the hell. Well, trust me I have had that thought process as well. I honestly believe that a culmination of many factors contributed, but none more than getting what I laughingly refer to as my “big kid job.”

It was easy to realize that after a string of administrative jobs that ranged from really great to you know, HELL, I was at a great company that cared and was willing to develop me. For somebody who graduated with an Associate’s degree and a Bachelors degree with high GPAs, who then bounced from one entry level job to below entry level to ridiculous, this was crazy to me. I have issues that I am dealing with in this job, and the main one is that past. I feel no matter what I am going to get the last one hired first one fired speech – I tell myself we are not a small mom and pop company, or a flailing not-for-profit. I try to calm down. I then panic that I am going to reach the end of my contract with no funds to renew it…but wait, I am not a contractor. So then I think that maybe there will be some ridiculous reason, and start to panic. This is still a weekly occurrence, at least up to about a week ago.

Then I realized the big difference. This isn’t a “big kid job.” This is…GULP…a career. That TERRIFIED (and frankly still terrifies) me. I think that is why it happened. I am not someone who has ever cared what anyone thought about me, and have never need approval from those closest to me, let alone society in general. I never cared if I was part of the group or not, didn’t have any need or want to be the “cool” kid. Then, I was at this place that seemed to care if I felt well trained, that rewarded you for doing things above and beyond, that saw you volunteered regularly and brought attention to the fact that the company has a whole volunteer program. I had the opportunity to get educated in my industry – and my company pays for it. I admit I got sucked into being the person who was defined by what I do for a living. It was fine at first, because I love my company, I love my co-workers, I adore my management team beyond what most people would find acceptable…and more than that I respect them. My direct supervisor is honestly one of the best men I know, and his wife and daughter are honestly kind and wonderful people. For the first time only, not only do I feel like I have a secure place to work, but I feel like I have a family at work, and it is nice.

Then, I got unhappy. My feelings about my job did not change, except to maybe get better. So at this point I was forced to ask what the problem is. It took over 8 months to realize…I had completely abandoned me. My true self, my true personality. I am not sure at this point if anyone else ever noticed, or if they did if it was as big a deal to them as it is to me. I am awake and aware now. I am ready to be me again. I am learning how to be me with the fact that I do have this new reality, this career. How can I adapt this into who I have always been? How can I mold this Fortune 100 Company that has a system in place that doesn’t adapt to individuals easily into the life of who I have always been? What other realizations that at 31 have I come to?

Well, we will find out. As a blog that started with me writing about things that interested me and that I am excited about and want to share my passion on, it will now be more. I think that I am not the only person who has ever felt like this, who has ever had this particular loss of identity and reawakening. So, though I am getting back to it, and you will again have to read about Sharks, LGBTQA rights, and a whole plethora of nerdy goodness you can’t even imagine, be prepared. There will be more like this. It is easier for me to figure it out when I put it down in writing, and if I am going to write it, I may as well post it right?

It is going to be interesting.

TAKE HEED FROM THE CLOWNS

So those of you who know me, may know that I often have some rants, or as my wife calls them “nutties” or “Heather Moments.” Thanks babe. I CANNOT sit idly by however, as I have read ANOTHER article about what I refer to as clear signs that the Clownpocalypse  is steaming toward us full steam ahead.

For those of you who do not know me very well, I must let you know that I love most things horror or Halloween. Friday the 13^th and Jason, sure. Jeepers Creepers, psycho killers, crazy animals, evil babies…I love it. Michael Myers – he scares the hell out of me, but BRING IT…love it…rush like no other. There are 2 things however, that are clearly signs of pure evil, and are not entertainment pieces, but just tools of the Devil. Snakes and Clowns. So, obviously the first time I read the article about the person who was dressing up like a poor man’s Pennywise in Northampton, England I had one of the above noted nutty’s. I in fact had an epic nutty that I didn’t even keep in the sanctity of marriage, but shared with Facebook, as this is clearly a sign that the clowns are making their move.

Stephen King is in my very humble opinion, nothing short of a literary genius. He takes a lot of heat I know (only a little pun intended) mainly because some HATERS feel that he lacks closing skills. I have read many of his books, and am still working my way through his vast collection of contributions to the literary world, but I have seen no problems with his closings. I feel if you are let down by the closing, you should readdress, because he generally words things in a way that can keep a seed planted. As for the movie adaptations for his books, well….jury is out on most of them.  At dozens upon dozens, King has had more novels adapted into movies than any other  living author, and to be honest, I would have to research if any dead penners have him beat. I have seen A LOT of the movies, but not all. From the “horror” adaptations, I usually come away let down. This is for a simple reason – I am a snob in this aspect of life.  Let me explain…

Did I have to cover my eyes during the body scene in Stand by Me – you bet, for YEARS. Did Cujo make me cringe – for the parts of it where I wasn’t incredibly bored, yuppers.  I empathized and hated Carrie,  felt the pangs of loss and desperation in Pet Semetary and even I knew how good Kathy Bates could play crazy by the end of Misery. When it comes to King’s horror novels though, a HUGE part of me wants Hollywood to leave them alone. Kubrick is a genius, but his version of The Shining was so far from the story, that King himself redid it in a miniseries. On its own, great movie. Read the book and you were like, that was not an adaptation, that was really only kind of a based on. This truly ruins it. You don’t see the hedges shifting and changing, scaring Danny and encouraging Jack. You don’t see the snowmobile rushing towards freedom. I could smell the fire and hear the explosion better from King’s words then any movie has ever painted them for me, and the reason is simple. The man, love him or hate him, paints a picture with words better than anyone ever has, or quite frankly ever will.

As for the adaptations of his other works – yes, let it be known far and wide, the man can write, not just horror, but I do believe EVERY genre.  The ones that truly pop into my head are The Green Mile and The Shawshank Redemption. I mean. If you haven’t seen these movies, I do not know what you are waiting for. Go. NOW. I will wait. I mean, not literally, these are King adaptations, that is like a day’s worth of viewing there my friends. Seriously though, go. Now. These movies are fantastic. They have casts to die for, scripts of gold and are some of the best cinematic contributions of our generation. You may have your own opinion here. If it isn’t this though, it is probably wrong. If you haven’t READ these works, I mean, why not? These and The Stand, I mean, time commitment definitely. Worth it – every single milli-second. Every one.

There is one King book though that is my nemesis. It is adapted into a movie. I have seen parts of the movie. When I was young. Real young. This is when I knew what true terror is my friends. TRUE TERROR. Yup, that is right – It. When I was young, I walked into a room, the movie was playing. I thought oh, clown. Ha. Yeah. Deranged, fanged, killer clown. The clown horrifically killed a kid and this girl was done. To this day, I don’t walk over sewer drains, I don’t take balloons from strangers and I realize that Laurie Notaro is not only the Queen of idiot girls and one of the funniest people alive, but a genius. She has alerted people to the Clown Network. Taking heart in her bravery, I must alert people to the truth. The Zombie Apocalypse is a lie. The Clownpocalypse  is where the truth is. You can sever the brainstem from the zombie or get a direct head shot, beat its head with a baseball bat, you can beat it. YOU CAN’T BEAT CLOWNS. They have advanced levels of special relations. There is no defense. You are still trying to figure out how they got 8 of themselves in a VW Bug, and more are coming. You are automatically outnumbered. There is no defense against pies in the face. I mean, you can’t win.

This leads me to my initial point, and if you have hung in for this crazy ride (Kristen, really, it’s just you) I have to tell you the crazy that is happening. Poorman Pennywise is no longer just in Northampton people. Poorman Pennywise clowns were spotted in March in Staten Island. This was supposedly linked back to publicity stunts, but this is the same network that brought us the Zombie Apocalypse craze and balloon animals. They are crafty, they are experts at concealing their identities and anyone who can wear those shoes and do physical comedy can only be dangerous when cornered. This is a terrifying course of events. I hope that you are all prepared and that everyone takes heed. Don’t smell their flowers, don’t smile at their falls, don’t clap when they throw pies and if they offer you balloons, whether regular or in animal forms, don’t think, don’t pause, just run.

Because as I have told my wife, if a clown comes at you vows mean nothing. That my friends is an every person for themselves situation, and I will sacrifice you to save myself. I have a strong survival instinct people, and if you cover your face with white paint, give yourself a large unrelenting smile and hit yourself with a mallet to make me laugh, in my mind the alert level goes to red, and I punch first, napalm second and shrug when I get in trouble. Be warned clowns, Heather don’t play that game.